How Harper hid his agenda that was hidden

In a bold move yesterday, Prime Minister Stephen Harper held a press conference in support of three back bench Conservative MPs. He was also surrounded by his entire 165 member caucus. He issued this statement:

I just want to tell all Canadians, that Brad Trost, Maurice Velacott and Leon Benoit, who spoke out against International Planned Parenthood, did this on their own.

What they did, one after the other, in quick succession, quickly and decisively, was to protect me from those who would accuse me of reopening the abortion debate. I have always kept my promise not to reopen the abortion debate. I said this from day one. That I would not reopen the abortion debate. I have kept this promise.

This is how I accomplished it.

When I was first elected in 2006, pro-choice Canadians kept saying I had a hidden agenda. They said that if I were elected, I would reopen the abortion debate. I said I would not reopen the abortion debate. I held firm and did not reopen the debate. I refused to talk about abortion. I was elected Prime Minister, albeit with a minority government, and I continued to promise not to reopen the abortion debate.

You may recall that in January of 2010 I announced my maternal and child health initiative to help mothers and their children in third world countries. This initiative did not include abortion. Shortly thereafter, the Liberals insisted abortion be included in the initiative and they brought forward a motion to include abortion in my initiative.

I, of course, as already stated, did not want to reopen the abortion debate. In fact in March of 2010, I clearly recall saying "we do not want a debate, here or elsewhere, on abortion." I remember I said that. I then instructed my caucus to vote against the motion. The motion was defeated. Even though abortion was on the table, it wasn't me who put it there. The Liberals did. I did not reopen the abortion debate.

Then this year, before I received my first ever majority government, one that I really, really wanted, I continued to tell everyone I would not reopen the abortion debate. I repeated this. Many times. Over and over again. I held firm to this promise.

Last week, Minister Bev Oda, promised International Planned Parenthood Federation (IPPF) $6 million for family planning in third world countries. As many of you know, IPPF is one of the world's largest abortion providers. Their goal is to make abortion legal around the globe and to make abortion an international human right. Again, the abortion debate was on the table, this time opened by my faithful servant, Oda. But notice, once again, I did not reopen the abortion debate. Once again I did what I said I would do. I stuck to my guns so to speak (small pun there).

Now I stand before you, with my entire caucus, with my coveted majority government, and I say to you: I never once reopened the abortion debate. I still have no intention of reopening the abortion debate. I will never reopen the abortion debate. The abortion debate will never be reopened by me.

Abortion is now on the table, it has been unhidden from where it lay hidden all these years. And still I stand firm with my promise never to reopen the abortion debate.

I can never be accused of reopening the abortion debate. I have kept my promise.

Thank you.

DISCLAIMER: All characters and events portrayed in this posting are a satirical examination of the abortion debate in Canada. Some readers may not share this sense of humour.